We Tried the Top Dick Pill on The Market, What Happened Next Will Make You Cry

If you’re anything like me, you’ve probably noticed the brightly colored ads that appear beside virtually every single porn video online. These ads usually lead to other porn sites, scams, or do one other thing: advertize dick pills.

These ads usually have some sort of animation of an average sized dick growing from something unimpressive to something absolutely enormous. I decided one day that instead of carefully keeping my cursor away from these banner ads in an effort not to accidentally click them, that I’d dive down the rabbit hole that these ads lead to.

The dick-growth side of the internet certainly is something else. The sites and Reddit chatrooms dedicated to dick growth are full of people telling horror stories or stories that are too good to believe. Some people share how a pill is responsible for their donkey dick, while others caution that the same pill put them in the hospital. So who are you supposed to believe?

Instead of leaving decisions to guesswork, we decided to try some of the top dick and boner pills on the market, so you didn’t have to. Read on, dear reader, to find out what happened after we popped dick pills: 


When it comes to dick enlargement, this is one of the most expensive pills on the market. At over $1 per pill, a bottle of Enlrgenexx will set you back 100 dollars. 

The manufacturers say that the pill is comprised of pharmaceutical grade ingredients that are sure to help you dick grow longer and stronger over the course of the regimen. However, I have no idea what those “pharmaceutical grade ingredients are” as they don’t bother to list them on the site or on the bottle…

They also promise a higher sex drive and more intense orgasms. On the back of the bottle it said to take two pills twice per day with a meal, so that’s what I did for a few months!

Unfortunately for me and my dick, the pills didn’t quite do anything at all. I’ve taken a lot of boner pills in my day (don’t judge me) and while some of the ones that I’ve taken that don’t follow through on their promise of penile growth do follow through with sex drive increases! This one was a total fucking disappointment. I wouldn’t be surprised if I were taking 100 dollar sugar pills for a few months. 

Make My PePper Bigger

Unlike Enlargexx which came in a mysterious white and blue bottle that looked like it was more likely to contain chemicals to clean your pool than it was dick pills, Make My PePper Bigger looks like a banner ad comes to life. It features an angry looking pepper with a mustache accompanied by two tomatoes on the bottle, and it actually has the ingredients listed on the back!

This bad boy is packed with extracts that are considered natural erectile dysfunction remedies and a little bit of cayenne pepper… It’s also much less expensive at $70 than the Enlargexx even though it seems to actually to have ingredients that work on your dick! 

So, when I decided to use this pill a few times a day I was significantly less scared than when using Enlargexx which was essentially a mystery pill. 

When it came to using this pill I did notice that I felt clearer and more energized. I wouldn’t say that I felt horny much more than I usually do or that I felt a significant change in my sex drive, but I didn’t feel bad or much better than normal! And surprise, surprise my dick didn’t get any bigger either. 

While the stuff in this pill is actually pretty okay for you to take (even in large doses), It’s definitely not worth $70. I’d rather buy something from Moon Juice like their Sex Dust or Brain Dust products than buy essentially the same shit for more money in a less aesthetically pleasing bottle. 

Grow Thixxx

Ah, another mystery bottle. Grow Thixxx is a pill that contains some amount of testosterone, but how much? Who knows. That’s all I had to go on before taking this pill. And let me tell you, this was one of my least favorites of the bunch.

While I did find myself feeling a little more macho, I was a total asshole while I was taking these pills. I was going off the fucking walls and blowing up at co-workers. I think that the extra testosterone I was taking was just too much.

I did feel a little hornier, but I found myself noticing that my heart would race at random times and that I had a shorter temper. I wasn’t lasting longer in bed; I just wanted to go for Round 2 or 3 or 4 with my girlfriend. While she liked getting laid more, she wasn’t too happy with how irritable I the pills made me.

After almost completely hulking out over a slow drive-thru line at In-n-Out, I knew that I had to call it quits with Grow Thixxx. And no, I didn’t grow “thix” or long or in any direction. My dick is still my same ol’dick. 


Okay, so this shit isn’t supposed to make your dick grow bigger… however, I know that a lot of my friends use poppers when they go out and want to get laid. 

Poppers are never advertised as poppers; they’re usually advertised as nail polish remover or screen cleaner. So basically, you’re just huffing chemicals when you’re doing poppers. But hey, I’ll try anything once (I think I’ve made that pretty clear throughout this whole experiment).

So, while going out for drinks with my girl, I sneakily sniffed some poppers in the bathroom. And holy shit, this shit was great.

It works by sending blood to your brain and your extremities which results in the most magical, horny headrush. My girlfriend, who was a little annoyed with my experiment by this point, was pleasantly surprised by these results. My headache the next morning was gnarly, but I do what I gotta do in the name of science.

While my boner was pretty impressive, my dick didn’t get any bigger. I wouldn’t do this on the regular either, but it was a fun party drug. 

Oh, and don’t drink this stuff it can literally kill you. 

What Really Works

Okay, in all seriousness there isn’t a magic pill that’s going to grow your dick in a week. Sure, there are some drugs you can take that might help you naturally gain an inch or two from boosting testosterone production but that will take years… and there’s no science that proves that it’ll work on anyone (but you will run the risk of hulking out at any moment and making your friends hate you).

There is stuff you can take like maca root and ginseng (which is great in tea!) that will make you feel better (and slightly hornier) all around, but it’s not going to result in a Ron-Jeremey-esc dick.

The best thing you can do is stock up on some natural libido enhancers and live your best life. And by that, I don’t mean going out and fucking bitches and getting money, I mean by living a healthy well-rounded lifestyle. Do you know what did actually work to make my dick a little bigger? Working out and eating healthy (your dad-bod might be hiding some of your shaft in your gut).

Don’t send yourself to the hospital from taking gas station boner pills. Use natural remedies and commit to living healthy! And maybe stop watching so much porn that you think that a 12-inch dick is average because it’s not. 

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