Trump Places Gag Order after Wikileaks Publishes Average Penis Size of 2019

Trump seriously has some self-confidence issues when it comes to matters of size.

Tiny Handed Trump

For those of you who followed the election, you may remember how Trump taunted fellow Republican candidate, Marco Rubio, by calling him “little Marco.” Rubio was undaunted by the nickname, and in a speech, during his campaign, he brought up the issue of size. But this time, the tables turned. Marco commented on how tall he was in comparison to the size of his hands, remarking that his hands were disproportionately smaller than the rest of him. He went on to say:

“Have you seen his hands? And you know what they say about men with small hands — You can’t trust them”.

The crowd at the rally went nuts at this comment. I mean come on, who doesn’t like a great veiled dick joke in a usually serious forum. I’d probably watch a lot more news if more dick jokes were being made during presidential debates… but then again, Trump is our president so that wish has essentially become our reality.

After the hand comment molds of the Trump family’s hands – which were incorporated in the design of The Trump International Tower – mysteriously disappeared… I mean come on Donald. You can’t show the bullies that you’re embarrassed! They’ll only taunt you more!

It’s like when the Cincinnati zoo asked the internet to stop making Harambe memes! The internet responded in kind with many many more memes about the fallen gorilla (R.I.P).

The internet only went wild after the prints disappeared. A political action committee was even formed with the sole purpose of finding out the size of Trump’s hands. But thanks to Madam Tussaud, the size of his hands did not stay a mystery for long. Based on molds wax artists took of Trump’s hands it was determined that Trump’s hands are .25 inches smaller than the average hand size of a man of his height (which is 6’2″).

Now, you know what they say about people with small feet right? They have tiny dicks! Unfortunately for the internet and other Trump bullies out there, the fine folk at Madam Tussaud’s haven’t found a mold of the guy’s foot. Oh if only they could, then I’m sure the internet would explode…

But then again… we may not need a model of his feet to know how big the president’s peen truly is… Why? Well, because we’ve got Stormy Daniels.

Here’s what Stormy has to say

The adult film star has recently come out and said that she had sex with Donald Trump in 2006. She said that they carried on an affair during that time, while Melania denies that nothing ever happened. Stormy finally came out and divulged this fantastic information only after she was bribed with $130,000 – of alleged campaign funds – to keep quiet.

But she didn’t stop at interviews and comments, nope she most certainly did not! Instead of leaving us wanting more she decided to tell us what we all wanted to hear in her book Full Disclosure where she tells all about the affair. And this book is definitely explicit. She tells all in detail.

The Guardian got a hold of the copy of the book and published some of the details Stormy gave about Trump’s penis. And she had a lot to say.

Firstly, the size: “smaller than average” but “not freakishly small.” Just like his hands! Now, I’m pretty disappointed to find out that the flaming hot cheeto at the helm of this country doesn’t have a micro-penis, but I can settle for smaller than average.

She then went on to describe his penis as looking like a “toadstool.” Which is fucking hilarious. Donald Trump literally has a mushroom tip. She even went on to describe his penis as looking like Toad from Mario Kart. 

But she didn’t leave it at that either! She went on to describe him as having “Yeti pubes”! She said that she was annoyed while he was fucking her and that it was the least impressive sex she’d ever had… though he didn’t share that opinion. He thought it was great.

Personally, I laughed out loud at that detail. Arguably the most powerful man in the world has a small mushroom dick with Yeti pubes. And he can’t even fuck good! 

The Gag Order

Wikileaks recently published an article on the average dick size across America and in other countries. In all the average dick size is around 5.5 inches while erect. Ya know that isn’t that bad! It’s average. It’s not too much, but it’s definitely enough to get the job done. However, I don’t think that Donald Trump falls in with the average…

While we have the Stormy Daniel’s book, we don’t have concrete proof that his dick is small. While we have the molds of his hands, I don’t think that Madam Tussaud took an impression of his dick for his wax figure.

But just like the mysterious disappearing hands, it seems like Trump has issued a gag order after the averages were put out by Wikileaks. Of course, Wikileaks never seems to listen (they don’t play by the rules, shout out to Jullian Assange). But this is another move that essentially proves that Trump is feeling insecure about something!

Trump needs a lesson that’s taught to every kid going into elementary school: never give the bullies what they want! All they want is a reaction! If you give them a reaction, they’re going to keep bullying you.

I personally don’t care who decided to bully Trump. The guy is the President; a guy with that much power shouldn’t be too bothered by a couple of insults now should he?!

Come on Donald, stick and stones, man! Sticks and stones…

You can’t help but look on at this whole situation and wonder what he’s compensating for with his bold statements, Twitter rampages, and statements about his big ol‘ hands… Imagine having such a small dick that you can’t overcompensate with a lifted truck or a bombastic attitude or penis surgery… no, that wouldn’t do it… he had to run for president.

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